This was the first book that Betsy and I read together, and it gave us a great foundation to start our relationship and made us realize that we each have different ways to communicate love to others and different ways of feeling loved. Through this book, you realize that how you feel loved is not necessarily going to be in the same way that someone else would feel loved; however, it is typical for one to speak their own love language to others, and that can sometimes be the cause of relationship problems. The key is to discover the primary love language(s) of those who are important to you, especially your significant other.
In this book, Chapman discusses, in detail, the five love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. He further discusses that someone could be very dominate in one or could have two or three that share as primary love languages. Furthermore, he makes a good point: if your significant other has a love language that is not natural for you to speak, you do have the ability to learn to speak that language. The fact that you’re trying to learn that primary love language means that you love the other person, even though it may feel awkward.
Another great point from Chapman comes when he discusses the complaints of others. He states that we need to view the complaints of others as ‘hints’ as to what our significant other wants and maybe we can make the complaints go away by speaking their love language.
Chapman also brings up a concept that he calls the ‘love tank’. At first, Betsy and I laughed during the chapter in which he discusses the ‘love tank’. We thought this was a ridiculous concept; however, as we continued reading, we realized that this is very important and can definitely help with making each other feel loved. Chapman recommends asking each other periodically ‘where their love tank’ is: full, empty, 0-10, etc. This helps take out the guess work of a relationship. If the tank is running low, it can be discussed as to how it can be filled up.
That is obviously a very brief summary of the book. I think Betsy would agree that we learned a lot while reading this book. The conversations and stories that came from reading together were priceless, and we actually had a lot of fun with it. This is a great book and we still talk about it every day and encourage others to read it. It’s a great way to open up or keep open the lines of communication.
(Betsy): I was going to leave blogging about Love Languages to Scott but found a few spare minutes on our flight to Ft. Lauderdale (smooth flight for the most part) to share my thoughts. We both keep looking out the window, guessing how high we will be up when we skydive. To be completely honest, I’m nauseated by the thought of plunging to the earth with some stranger strapped to my back. I have a deep fear of heights (so does Scott) that seems to worsen with age. What were we thinking when we decided to add skydiving to the 30 list? We are certainly going to have to build up some courage before we attempt crossing that off. But I digress…
Love Languages by Gary Chapman is incredible. The book is great for self evaluation as well as evaluating your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Reading it really revealed how I feel loved and how I show people that I love them. Chapman argues that by learning, understanding, and acting upon your partner’s love language (even if it is not your primary love language), you can make tremendous improvements to the current state of your relationship.
The book was written and designed for all stages of relationships—whether you are a new couple or have been married for years, you can learn a lot of great information from Chapman’s teachings. One of my favorite passages explained that the “honeymoon” phase usually lasts about two years (sometimes less). Then, reality sets in, and many couples are oftentimes left in a miserable routine, lacking the excitement that they experienced when they dated early on; however, Chapman argues that by learning your partner’s love language and then speaking it, the transition from the “honeymoon” phase to reality is less noticeable, less disappointing.
Another great thing about the “love languages” is that they are applicable to all relationships. While I was certainly thinking about Scott as we read the book, I also had family and friends in mind. By learning the love language of those close to you, you can truly improve the relationship and increase communication. Chapman has written books of all variations—love languages of men, children, singles, etc.
Gary Chapman holds several conferences throughout the year. Scott and I are planning on attending one of his conferences in Illinois in February 2011 (anyone want to join us?). What a coincidence—attend a marriage or dating conference together is on the 30 list.
We will be landing in the sunshine state in a matter of moments. We will post pictures of the trip but have no plans of knocking out any of the 30 list. Scott is in his busy season so will be working a little while we are down here, and I am in the middle of The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. Mostly, we will be relaxing, hanging out on the beach, and enjoying each other’s company.
Everyone have a great rest of the week and a fabulous weekend!
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